So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
