i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Randomize