Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
