Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize