I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
