explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
