If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
