he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
Randomize
