I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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