There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Randomize