I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
