ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
