At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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