I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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