There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
