He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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