She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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