The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize