Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
