He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize