we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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