If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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