You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
