Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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