I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
