Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize