just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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