Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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