he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
