and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
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