and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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