Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Quick, to the slutcave!
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
