The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
