i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Randomize
