What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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