Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
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