At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
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