I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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