I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
