He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
