its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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