I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize