i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
His hands were made for my vagina.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
