She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
