So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
