Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
