I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
