Whod you bang
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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