if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
