Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
