Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize
