Please, let me fuck your mom
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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