apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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