i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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