this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Randomize
