I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize