it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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