I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
