just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
