Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
