So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
