mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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