My liver just broke up with me...
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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