You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
