Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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